Female Translation

You were really a great emotional tampon for me when I really needed someone to cry on. God. This guy is such a good friend! If I fuck him I may lose it. Sometimes I imagine John without a penis. Because that’s what he is to me. A penis-less, non threatening, very friendly, non sexual being.

A scene from “Just Friends”

@ 0:27:

Jamie: You mean more to me than anyone in this whole world

Chris: Really!?

Jamie: I love you Chris..

Jamie: Like a brother. We’re friends right?

What to do

You have been this hunny bunny’s best friend now for over a year now. She tells you about all her problems with her asshole boyfriends and “stupid guys” trying to pick her up at the bar and grocery store. You’ve had a secret crush on her for years and now the pressure has built up so much inside of you that you cannot control telling her your true feelings. Despite the fact that you think she suspects that you love her already, you plan out a time, place and event to proclaim your true love to her.

Before you do, realize that 99% of the time if you are in the friend zone you’re pretty much screwed. Preserve the friendship and learn more about girls from her and see if any of her friends are potentially good girlfriends.

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Female Translation

I’m bored with you. Oh but I hate breakups. How do I do this so that it will be the easiest for me? I know! I’ll make up a super ambiguous excuse and make it sound like its real.

What to do

Of course we are. I’m a man and you’re a woman. How did you figure that one out? Now can we talk about the real reason you’re dumping me?

Relationships usually start to fizzle when one partner starts feeling bored of the other, and believes that he or she can do better. One of the ambiguous (and confusing) excuses for women is the “we’re two completely different people” excuse.

Find out exactly what she’s upset about in the relationship and deflect this ambiguous excuse. If a different in character or lifestyle is indeed the reason, find out what the exact issue is and see if you can work on it with her to further the relationship.

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Female Translation

“I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chap stick.

I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend doesn’t mind it”

What to do

There are a couple of reasons for this excuse and context must be taken into consideration:

• First, the girl may really be a lesbian. In this case, befriend her anyway as you would any interesting stranger. Lesbians usually have a solid group of girlfriends, and one of them must be single and straight. If anything, just talking to a group of girls at a bar or club creates more social proof for the player.
• Second, she may be bi-sexual but is putting up a shield to guard against guys hitting on her all night. In this case, don’t give up. Ask her to kiss her girlfriend to prove it. Befriend her anyway if she does follow through.
• Finally, sometimes girlfriends will suddenly say this in the middle of a relationship. Is she really into girls? You may suggest a threesome with another girl via tandem hunting. Time and experience will tell which sex she likes better  

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Female Translation

… with you, at least. Blame it on the fates.

What to do

This is a bad one. It involves a negative connotation to being together and actually having no control over it. As damage control, you can ask for more details on what exactly she means. Reply with, “Yeah, you’re totally right. We should break this off” and pre-empt her.

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